either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
