so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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