I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
