Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
