I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
