theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
