Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
