If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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