Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
