Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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