Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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