Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
