Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
