Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
