the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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