My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize