Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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