Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
