You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
