Umm I'm too high to move.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
