I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
