i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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