Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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