so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
