yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize