The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize