I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
