Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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