You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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