DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
