You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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