I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
