i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my shit smells like andre
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
