I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
