It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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