Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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