he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
