the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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