You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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