Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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