I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
