I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
