I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
