i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
