im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
