Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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