Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
