They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
