This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
