Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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