Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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