you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
