So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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