Just cropdusted the office
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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