we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
As shirtless as possible
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize