Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
