U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
