Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
