I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
