My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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