how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
