I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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