We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
