I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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