dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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