paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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