you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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