I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
